“You say you’ve lost your faith…”

Bob Dylan’s Positively 4th Street has long been a favorite of mine. Partly because it’s so in your face and partly because of a unique place it holds in my relationship with my sister Jodi. There’s a line in the song where Bob says, “You say you’ve lost your faith, but that’s not where it’s at… you had no faith to lose and you know it.”

I’ve not written or posted an entry in over a year. No one has been clamoring for my words of wisdom in the absence. 2011 beat the crap out of me… no that’s not right, some would say I’m still full of it. It’s more like, it beat me, then kicked me, then threw me out through a window, told lies, maligned my character and when I was utterly humiliated, screamed at me, “Don’t come back or you’ll get worse!” I hate it, but that’s the kind of year it’s been. In terms of health, family, finances, work, church life and spiritual strength—life sucked.

(I must interject here that I realize there are many who had it much worse than I did. I don’t mean to sound otherwise. I know this is a whining rant of sorts. But it has purpose so if you’ll forebear, I will get to the point in short order. Now—back to Bob.)

I’m once again living in the echo of Peter’s life. Yes my faith has been challenged and diminished there is no doubt. I feel like God let me down and of course I feel I let him down. The thing that bugs me about it is that my failures are to be expected. If you know me at all, you know this to be true.

On the other hand—I don’t want to see God fail to come through for his own kids. My faith is strong in understanding and believing that he is God and he gets to do what he wants with his own stuff. I realize that he doesn’t seek my approval before he does things like let his own kids fail, struggle, fight illness only to die and beg for jobs that they don’t get. And yet, it angers me beyond my ability to be sane that he does this. I don’t think I’m right and he is wrong. It’s simply beyond my understanding and the reach of my little faith.

I don’t know who Bob was singing about, but I do have some faith to lose and though it’s not gone, it’s really weak and hurting. I don’t want all God’s people to have unending blessings with never a bad day. But I’d like his kids to win, to get the job, to get well, to prosper in their soul. Let’s see wicked people in churches be exposed and expelled, instead of good people being lied about and cast aside. How about the good people stand up and throw out corrupt elders. The bad guys win enough of the time.

I will love the Lord till I die. I may not preach, may not teach, may not pray much and might not talk much about him simply because I just don’t get it and feel foolish to even try. I’ve bet my existence that he is faithful. I am his and my soul is safe in him ‘here I stand—I can do no other.’

telemicus out

1 Responses to “You say you’ve lost your faith…”

  1. Bill says:

    Mike…..it hurts my heart to see you going through this as I love you, and your faith and words have always been a source of strength for me. I cannot even pretend to know what you are going through, but as you said we all have stuff going on in our lives and I am no exception. Like I told someone the other day; after I got mad and blamed God and everyone else I realized that I had decided that I knew what was best and had mistaken my desires as needs therfore putting my faith in everything but God. Michael, I pray that God will lift the cloud and reveal his plan for you.

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